Christmas 2016 has fallen upon us as we slowly heal from the most painful election in millennial history. A huge chunk of liberals, independents, and even some Republicans — along with many of the 65,844,954 people who voted for Hillary Clinton — are struggling to get into the holiday spirit. And rightfully so, since their candidate won the popular vote by 2.9 million, yet our flawed system will keep her out of White House where she belongs.
For Donald Trump
Stop using the word “tremendous.” There are plenty of thesaurus apps with a tremendous number of alternatives.
Administer reparations to all African-Americans — except Ben Carson, Stacey Dash, and Raven Symoné. You know we built this country and you know racist policies have oppressed us in every social and economic category. I could use the money and it’s the right thing to do.
Apologize to the many women you’ve been accused of sexually assaulting.
Admit Jesus was black, as that may get you into heaven. (Probably not, but it’s worth a shot.)
According to Donald Trump we all live in hell, so I guess it can’t really get any worse. You can only go up from there! So I advise that you stay black, as I am an expert on blackness. And if you can, figure out a way to be more black because that’s what we have to hold onto. There will be no initiatives from the White House to support anything we do over the next for years.
For Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders
You guys are funny as hell; I think you should start a podcast. Maybe you can call it Hot Sauce in Vermont or the Pantsuit Berns?
All jokes aside, you guys ran amazing campaigns and I hope your leadership and insight will help the left snatch back the White House in 2020.